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A Day in the Life of an Atheist


I’m a laid back and moderate person in most cases and I don’t pretend to be a representative of any kind of the Atheist community. However, reading a book recently about the Creation Museums which are now scattered across America concerned me. It would have enraged me, but I am the Smiling Atheist after all. Apparently, there is a part of numerous creation museums which contain sections on atheism and atheist households, depicting them as devil worshiping drunks, and homes laden with violence. The ironic thing about it is that atheists, being atheists, don’t believe in the Christian Devil, therefore, we would feel pretty silly worshiping him, wouldn’t we? But the second aspect of this is the all-encompassing lie that is not only being presented here, but is actually being believed.

I, then, thought it was my duty to run through the average day in the life of an average atheist to hopefully dispel the rumors and malicious lies which are being put forth by people who apparently aren’t smiling all that much at all.

I’m going to use this past Saturday, simply because it was a pretty average day, other than the fact that my fiancee had the day off. Fiancee? Yes, atheists marry too.

The morning was rather average. Nicole awoke a few hours before me, as I was up all night writing and working on various projects as usual. She eventually woke me up around 10:30 with a kiss. I, being a pretty heavy sleeper, didn’t awake immediately, but the touch of her lips, along with that big, bright, annoying globe in the sky did it for me.

I immediately took to the kitchen to make some coffee. Now, this is the part where, according to the Creation Museum, I should have been reaching for the bottle of Vodka that I feel asleep with the night before, only to notice I spilled it onto myself. At which point, I would lick whatever I could off the carpet and then beat my fiancee within an inch of her life for letting me spill it on myself. However, as will be the consistent theme in this little story, that could not be further from the truth.

Anyway, I was putting on some coffee when she came up behind me and gave me a hug, which was lovingly requited. I should make a note right now that she is also an atheist. In fact, her previous boyfriend of almost six years eventually “found God” and then would tell her all the time how much it saddened her that she would go to hell instead of joining him in heaven. Keep in mind that this is the guy who, the last time she went to see him to pick up her dog, was showing her his new military assault rifle. This is why she was more than happy to move from the south to be with me in Minneapolis.

But I’m getting side tracked here. After the coffee was done, we indulged in our favorite beverage. Really, any nice, rich, organic coffee on the darker side of the roaster is perfect for us. We love our coffee.

She then brought up how beautiful it was outside that day. Keep in mind, this is Minneapolis in the middle of November, so by beautiful, I actually mean about 45 degrees Fahrenheit. Her suggestion was that we would head over to Loring Park and unload the last of our buns to the squirrels there. For those of you who don’t live in the Minneapolis area, Loring Park is an extremely beautiful park that is dead center in the middle of Minneapolis’ gay community. The animals there are so friendly and used to people, they’ll come right up to you and take the food out of your hand. Nicole was in love with this place the first time I brought here there. But since I notice that this blog has more exposition than Star Wars, I’ll continue and try to make way without further explanation.

So, I hit the shower and she soon followed. Noted, we showered separately. I know that being atheists, we should be starting off our mornings with homosexual orgies in the hallway of out apartment building, but that was just not the case on this very day. Now, that’s not to say that we don’t enjoy our sex-life, but it just wasn’t in the cards that particular morning. Oh, and no orgies either, contrary to the Creation Museum.

Now, according to the aforementioned Creation Museum, after the shower I should surely be leaving my beaten and defenseless fiancee on the floor while I head out to pick up hookers on Lake Street. However, it was at this point where we left for the park. It was chilly, but we were trying to soak up the good weather of the day as much as possible, knowing that the snow would be coming at any time.

The furry little creatures at the park were even cuter than normally, as they were so fat because they’re all stocking up for Winter’s hibernation months. But this only meant that those squirrels which would usually be more timid than the others were more than happy to come right up to you and gently take the food from your hands. You occasionally get the ones that will swat the food out of your hand first and then slowly inch away, but most of them are very cute and affectionate creatures. Well, for squirrels, anyway. Now, at this point, according to our friends at the Christian Right, we should have proceeded with our bag of poisoned food and choked to death whichever squirrels didn’t fall for our evil and demonic scheme. But, again, this was just not the case, as the squirrels seemed well fed and we proceeded toward the pond area to toss some food at the seemingly endless amount of geese, ducks and pigeons that were all around.

We fed them for a while, but the seagulls were too much for us to handle, and they caught just about every bit of food from us that we tossed, in lieu of the ducks and geese. And since they seemed to be swarming us and we didn’t want to get pecked or pooped on, we figured we’d take our cold asses home, barring a short stop at the grocery store. What did we buy there, you ask? Well, if you hold your pants on, I’ll tell you.

According to the Creation Museum, we apparently should have been picking up more booze and the discarded fetuses from Planned Parenthood to fry with the animals we’d just needlessly slaughtered. But instead, we got a box of organic Christmas Cookies (I know that just because they’re organic doesn’t mean they’re good for me, but I can burn the fat off – the other stuff, since I don’t know what it is, I can’t), some chicken and other useful sustenance. After the grocery store, we ducked into Traitor Joe’s Wines. Oops, there we go getting all boozed up, right? Well, um, no. Actually, we picked up a bottle of wine for that night, as we had planned on a rather romantic evening, and we picked up a bottle of Riesling to bring to my Aunt’s house for Thanksgiving this week.

After getting home, I started dinner. I’m the cook between the two of us. However, the Creation Museum would have you think that Nicole would be barefoot and pregnant, heating up said fetuses while I punched her for overcooking the fetus roast. Yet, it’s funny that that is the image I get in my head when I think of most southern Christians. Ironic, isn’t it.

I made dinner and we indulged in a little wine, but for whatever reason, instead of catching a nice, calm buzz, the wine made both of us tired. Me, because I didn’t sleep for very long, and her because she never sleeps very well when I’m not in there with her. So, we forewent our romantic plans and I put in a movie and the both of us laid down together on a thick blanket on the floor and cuddled. Wow, so instead of mass orgies, these two atheists didn’t even indulge in innocent and monogamous sex after their “boozing”? No, not that night.

Now that I look at it, it seems rather boring, but it isn’t to me. We’re both in our late twenties. And even though we still go out and have tons of fun a lot, most of the time, we just stay in, cuddle and enjoy our mutual love for horrible and wretched B-Z rate cinema.

So, while the Creation Museum teaches that atheists homes are riddled with violence, drug use, alcoholism and everything allegedly non-Christian under the sun, let this story be a lesson to all. Atheists are people just like anyone else. We vary just like any other group in the country as well. There are atheists out there who buy into Christian rhetoric and actually believe that homosexuality is a choice, or that abortion is immoral. But over all, atheists seem to be much more able to have calm and rational discussions about controversial topics, simply because we came to all of our conclusions, morals and values on our own through constant conversation and questioning. We didn’t, however, come to our conclusion because it was told to us without factual foundation by a biased source with cool wax sculptures of a group of people maiming one another in their own homes with a sign that reads, “The Typical Atheist Home. A Culture in Despair.”

If you’re willing to formulate your opinions in such a manner, then I’m afraid nobody can help you in the first place, so I’m sorry you just wasted your time reading the truth, because it’s something that you’re obviously not interested in. But if you’re one of the few intelligent religionists out there, I hope that this story helped you buy taking you first hand into the life of an atheist couple. And while I’m sure it’s not going to convert you, I hope it helped you understand that atheists aren’t how they’re portrayed by your leaders. In face, we’re just the opposite.

Thank you all for your time. I’m The Smiling Atheist. I’m good without God, and I’ll smile faithlessly to the end. Thanks again.

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