I thought I would take some time to run down some of history’s greatest blunders and “black cloud” moments. We do have a long and rich history and I think although recently we’ve seen some very embarrassing moments that will roll into the next generation through history texts. However, what about the past? People truly think that events of recent history have been embarrassing, but what about those days of yesteryear and before. As a bit of a history buff, I’ve had a long time to think about this, so I hope you enjoy it.
In this year, Tutankhamen took over as king of Egypt after his father Akhenaton’s successor’s short reign. After moving the capitol back to Thebes, he banned the worship of the sun god back to Amon which nearly caused a civil war in Egypt and probably eventually led to his death. Goes to show us that if all else fails in our system of democracy, we can go back to a system where it’s possible to have an 11 year old running our country.
A war lasting ten years waged by Greece against Troy after the alleged abduction of Helen of Sparta. In the end, Troy was captured by the Spartan warriors led by Agamemnon and Achilles. The fact that King Menelaus actually convinced the people of Greece that this war was actually over Helen of Troy goes to show just how stupid primitive people were. There’s no way that the people of today would buy a lie based on an action taken by a foreign land to excuse the brutal invasion and reprehensible domination of another foreign land merely for their kingdom and resources!
A year that made its mark as the toe rag in history’s dresser. Greek Mathematician and inventor Archimedes discovered what would later be called Archimedes’ Principle. This was the discovery that when a body is either partially or wholly immersed in liquids, the weight lost by the body is equal to that of the water displaced. After discovering this, he ran naked through the streets of Syracuse Sicily yelling, “Eureka!!!” over and over again. And although it wasn’t born for another couple hundred years, the catholic church is already considering burning him as a heretic.
A year that has made its mark as the gooey white stuff that flows from the sides of history’s mouth when it’s really thirsty. Ah, what a year. Not just the year when a woman claimed to have been virginally impregnated by an invisible man to give birth to a holy and all knowing cosmic Jewish son who would eventually die to redeem the sins of all mankind; but the year when about half of the population actually fucking believed her!
The year that really established itself as the catapult that flung the pie in the face of history. Roman emperor Constantine, after having a vision at war where he saw the clouds in the sky make the shape of Christ, enacted the Edict of Milan which forced the people of Rome to tolerate Christianity. Within only a few years it was the dominant religion in Rome which led to the persecution of people who retained the former religion of Rome. The Edict of Milan is also known as the Fucked Up Blatant Irony act of 313. You notice there wasn’t any bill later passed to force the toleration of Roman beliefs. Fuck you, Constantine!
This was certainly a great year for leaving a bad taste in the mouth of history. Aside from thousands of murders committed by crusades and inquisitions from France to Spain, there was another blunder of history. The pope of the time decided to excommunicate members of the fourth crusade for allegedly becoming mercenaries for hire. The only thing I can think of is how unfortunate it is when people set out to do something as good as slaughtering hundreds of thousands of people for having different religious beliefs, only to end up becoming murderers for hire for sick sons of bitches who want to slaughter hundreds of thousands of people for reasons other than religion.
A year in history that has marked itself as the itchy part just above the giant swollen hemorrhoid on the bulging ass of history. Ah, the year when Joan of Arc was burned for being a heretic. That’s right, the same people who believe that God has spoken to hundreds of people and told them to do many different things from starting wars to killing their brothers; burned a woman who believed that God had spoken to her and told her to assemble an army against the British invaders of France. The lesson of all of this is just be sure that when God talks to you, he tells you to do something that the church of the strongest monarchy wouldn’t disagree with.
A year that will forever leave a mushroom tattoo on the forehead of history’s bukake party. Christopher Columbus launched an expedition to find another trade route to India and ended up accidentally coming across a new uncharted land. The first embarrassment is how they could’ve missed America in the first place. It’s not like it’s fucking Jamaica people. It’s only the second largest continent on the globe. You would think that one of these British ass holes would have come across it once or twice before. Secondly, he thought it was India therefore called the native folks who met him at the gate Indians. And you know what, we still call them that to this day! This isn’t India people, get over it. Of course, what is this land called? A man by the name of Amerigo Vespucci was the person this land was named after. And did you know that it was only named America instead of Amerigo because his hand writing was so bad.
A year that will go down in history as the crumpled piece of what could only resemble broccoli on the bottom of the hooker’s pussy that history didn’t notice until he had already stuck it in there for an hour. Cardinal Wolsey, Lord Chancellor to King Henry VIII of England was executed for failing to get a papal annulment of Henry’s marriage to his brother’s widow, Catherine of Aragon. That’s how many people dead and how many yet to come for not granting King Henry VIII an annulment so that he can marry the little tramp he found in France so that she could cheat on him and be executed in about 3 years anyway? Good thinking, Henry. Let this be a lesson to all of you people out there who are having problems getting a divorce. Before killing about 100 religious officials and friends including your wife, attacking the royal church thus turning most of your citizens against you, going back on a treaty that resurrects what many thought was a dead war, and also putting your country in financial ruin just to get a divorce. Just think to yourself, “Is she really that bad?”
A year that will go down in the annals of time as the computer generated bikini tops on all the girls when history is trying to enjoy Showgirls on TBS. In this year, the first formal doctrine of censorship was written in the halls of the Vatican by it’s counsel under Pope Paul IV. This document was called The Index Librorum Prohibitorum. It was a list of publications that were considered spiritually and morally dangerous and not to be read without permission from a Bishop. This was in response to mass publications of Protestant books that were being read by the people of Rome and elsewhere. Although this was a temporary fix just until they could get around to burning all of these books and arresting sellers who had the balls to distribute them, it stuck around and was even revised in 1564 to add all of the new texts considered to be spiritually dangerous. Wow, good thing that censorship and the arresting of those who distribute books on this list was just a temporary fix. Could you imagine if this stuff could have gone on through the seventies and even still today? Man, that would suck! (Insert maniacal sarcastic laughter here)
A year that will surely leave it’s mark as the time that peed in the grandfather clock at history’s last new years party. Galileo Galilei died after serving a substantial period of his life on house arrest, charged by the Roman Catholic Church as a heretic. Galileo was the man who theorized that the rate of fall of a body was independent of its mass, noticed the rate of a pendulum was independent of its amplitude, designed his own telescope which allowed him to make several discoveries like the sunspots on Jupiter’s satellites which convinced him of the superiority in the heliocentric system over Ptolemaic system which he made look quite foolish. Jesus Christ, what’s next? Rape? You better lock this man up until the day he dies, Pope!
A year that has proven itself nothing less than the abortion botch who later fell from the vagina of history while it was on the crapper. Sir Isaac Newton discovered a series of laws that apply to everything and everyone in the universe. One of these was the law of gravity. Although pretty fucking obvious, his theories met mass skepticism throughout the scientific community. Yes, that same scientific community that believed in Creationism, a flat world, the sun revolving around the earth and an invisible man in the sky; I think I can see how magnetism could’ve sounded just a little absurd to them.
A year that stained the teeth of history before its last dentist appointment. This is the year when many of local natives boarded a ship on the Boston Harbor and dumped hundreds of pounds of imported tea into the waters below. Okay, I see how it is. I have to live in an age where the most common elements in our water supply are Ecoly, psychotropic medications and feces. These fuckers lived in a time when all the water had was the subtle taste of chai. You know what? Fuck you!
A year that will surely mark its place as the gooey white puss that seeps from the end of a popped pimple in the face of history. In this year, the first loaf of sliced bread was sold in London. All I can say is, thank god for that. Up until this point, the world was in rampant chaos and a constant state of death and destruction. But now that the greatest thing to ever be invented has been born, everything will be okay from now on.
A year that will go down as the drunken table dancing 50 year old mother at history’s 12th birthday party. In this year, the Church of Ladder Day Saints was founded in New York by a man named Joseph Smith. He claimed, with the help of a strange naked Indian friend who visited him in the night, to have discovered golden tablets buried in the ground that if read out of a hat would translate into the Book of Mormon. A book that claims Jesus had spoken to prophets in the ancient Americas. This group moved west after Smith’s murder and staked their claim in Salt Lake City where they now rule with an iron fist. They reject any type of stimulant or poison so long as it’s not something the church invests in with the few millions of dollars a year they demand from their patrons. But they also shun beards, and wear magical underwear that are laid out for them in the morning by one of their 300 wives.
Here’s a year that marked the bunny suffocating under the hat of history just before the second grade school magic show. Abraham Lincoln was elected as president of the United States. In response, many southern states announced their decision to secede from the union to maintain their slave based system. There are two embarrassing things about this event. The first is the fact that we decided to stop them. Secondly, if we wanted to keep them so badly, why didn’t we just propose an offer. They couldn’t have slaves anymore, but in return they could marry their cousins and wouldn’t have to learn to either read or brush their teeth. Seeing as how that was going to happen anyway, it may have sounded good enough at the time to avoid quite a few thousand deaths.
A year that marked its place as the N.A. sponsor from which history hadn’t heard in about eight weeks, who’s found dead from a cocaine over dose with three midget hookers with scurvy decapitated and eviscerated on his floor. This was truly a great accomplishment of true democracy and freedom. After four years of war and death, America’s civil war to free an entire race from slavery and oppression was finally over. We as a union could now ban together in the name of freedom to continue to exterminate and starve the native Americans, and continue moving west to slaughter and displace the Mexican people.
I’m not even going to think of a joke about this dark year in history. Seriously, this marked to year of the Scopes Trial. Tennessee school teacher John T. Scopes was arrested and tried for teaching the Darwinian theory of evolution to his students. Why was he tried for this? Because in Tennessee there was a law on the books forbidding teachers from teaching their students anything other than the literal interpretation of the Holy Bible. He was eventually convicted for breaking the law, however the publicity of the trial had a positive influence on other states who later failed to pass such laws against science. However, although the jury is still out on both Darwin’s Evolution theory and Newton’s Gravity theory, they have since decided to replace health inspectors with grace and prayer, and stop teaching the heliocentric system only to replace it with the theory that the earth rotates around the sun because God is playing tetherball.
Eric Blair, also known as George Orwell, published his controversial novel 1984. His grim view of a totalitarian future has created much controversy among literary scholars around the world. Although it was a work of fiction, I can see just how it would have been insulting as a view of the future. To think that sometime in the near future, events would take place excusing bills and other such policies that would call for the methodical stripping of human rights and civil liberties, followed by a media quarantine, drug companies helping the government sedate most of the culture with dangerous and addictive psychotropic medications, and a “big brother” watching all citizens with cameras strategically placed in sections of most big cities. Seriously, this is absurd. I can truly see how that was insulting to politicians and literary scholars around the world.
Since the fifties were a time of unparalleled prosperity, vast cultural transitioning and fantastic music, something had to happen to make us look back on them as a time that left the puke stain next to the toilet in history’s bathroom. Senator Joseph McCarthy made a claim to have a list of names of communist infiltrators. Although this claim was never proven, he then began the infamous McCarthy trials. In this dark time in our country all that you had to do to end up on television was order Russian or Italian dressing on your salad or buy the wrong type of Vodka. You would then end up in a dirty smoke filled court room with Senator McCarthy asking you if you’re a communist, gay or possibly just a pathetic drunk like he was. Ironic though that for a man who hated the Soviet Union so much, he certainly loved their potato juice, didn’t he?
A year that will surely go down as the best man who left the pecker tracks on the history’s wedding gown just before the ceremony. Aside from being a year when the U.S. government decided it would just be much easier to film the moon landing on a sound studio than actually go there. Not just the year when the Church of Satan was founded in San Francisco, a religion who’s bible begins with the dedication, “For Diane”. Another historical atrocity occurred in this year.
Richard M. Nixon was inaugurated as America’s new president after his long winded win over Hubert Humphrey in 1968. As a result of this, the conspiracy theorists are going crazy. They’re saying all of this crap about how Nixon is going to try to stretch out the Vietnam war until he’s up for reelection, he’s going to, with the help of his German presidential adviser Henry Kissinger, propose illegal wire tapping on American citizens, that he and Kissinger are even planning to enact a bill giving insurance companies carte blanche when choosing whether or not to pay out to the insured, that he might aid other countries in their civil wars by sending the peace corps to build “schools” in foreign country’s when they’re actually building prison camps, aid, with American tax dollars, South American death Squads, and also order the assassinations of foreign democratically elected leaders because their views conflict with U.S. policy. Boy, I’m glad we never listen to those nut jobs!
In this year, Jehovah’s Witnesses around the world were hovering in their caves as they were waiting for the rapture. Waiting for Armageddon. They ran through the streets warning people of the coming end, and to their surprise, nobody listened to them. In the end, can you imagine the shock and awe on the face of the world when the end of the world, predicted by a religious cult, never happened?
What a year to add to history’s black spots. After finally making it to the 7th Gladronoid the New Old New York Parthaks lost to the Squadron 4 Hydronoids. How many Glarnacks did those fans pay to make it into the Excel Oxygen Stadium? We’re just sick of our sub country being embarrassed! There was a time when being a Wal-Martian meant more than just being Zimbabwe’s bitch! I don’t care if you are the biggest Blarbek in the sub ordinate Zentar. I’m sick it! I mean, do you really think the refs weren’t paid off and just didn’t see the Hydronoids bringing anthrodenic ray-guns onto the blefbark. I guess the moral of the zinthrobe is that we shouldn’t even try because the galactic teams never lose.