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No Soul Soliciting!


Please, soul solicitors, when you see this sign, don’t knock on the door. I used to have a No Soliciting sign on the outside of my apartment door, but wouldn’t you know, as they’re encouraged to do, the “soul” solicitors ignored it. By Soul Solicitors, I mainly mean Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses. But there were plenty of other denominations too. But they would go ahead and knock anyway because they’re not selling anything – they’re “offering a free gift”. Right? Right.

So, in time, I broke out the old Mac and adobe’d a No SOUL Soliciting sign, much like the one I just whipped up to headline this blog. Eventually, either a disgruntled neighbor took it down, or it was the landlord. I’m not sure whom, but I do know that I made another one.

Seriously, yeah, you know where I’m going with this, not even seven days from putting the new sign on the door that was left alone, outside my door stood two lanky, brainwashed kids in matching shirts, pants, pin-ties and bicycle helmets. Can I just add how damn stupid they look wearing all that crap. They don’t look like my saviors, they look like salesmen. And truth be told, I’d rather have a salesman at my door. I’d rather watch a damn Kirby demonstration and get my floor covered in dirt pads (at least I get a clean floor out of that one), I’d rather watch how CUTCO Cutlery can cut through leather, because frankly, I’ve got some leather that could use cutting. Hell, I’d rather sit through a spiel about why I need eight plungers in my home, just before he tells me that if I buy a ninth, I’ll get a tenth free. Hey, free stuff that’s real, not free stuff that’s not only phony, but purposefully coerced. They are, after all, just salesman trying to bring business to an already far too wealthy church with a lot of very stupid rules and values.

Case in point:

I can’t help but remember my ex-girlfriend’s sister and her family, who were members of the Mormon Church, which was a large reason the Mornies wouldn’t leave me alone long enough to wipe myself. Of course, they only became members initially for the help that the church offered them. That’s how they convert you. Some call it conversion through kindness, but I call it phony, extrinsic deeds meant to sucker more people into a very corrupt organization. But, like many, she eventually bought into the hype and became like Glen Beck.

I remember a conversation that we had once where we both laughed, almost to tears, about many of the different beliefs held around the world in strange cults. After rereading what I just wrote, I have to wonder how she could have found these beliefs so funny when she’s Mormon.


You see, we were getting a kick out of The Raelians. They’re a somewhat recent movement. The cult leader, I mean founder, Rael, who claims to have been contacted by ET. That’s right, extraterrestrials contacted this man in the privacy of his own home in the seventies to let him know that they had created life on earth. Despite his awesome hair, I can’t think of any reason that this man was the person to be contacted about this. I would think that just coming to our world and saying, “Clatu Verata Niktu,” would have been a better way to let all of us know. However, Rael was their man of choice to carry this message to the world. Funny how these things always seem to happen in private, huh?

Rael is spreading the word that we must prepare ourselves for their second coming to take us back to their planet. Apparently, these creator beings, from whatever planet of origin, are very short in stature. Rael learned this when they appeared to him a second time to take him back to their home planet for coffee.

Looking at this, it actually falls in line with the Mormon beliefs. The “God” even has the same name in the Raelian faith. How then could a Mormon, who named her four kids after former U.S. presidents who are all quoted in being very against religion, laugh at the beliefs of the Raelians. Sure, I think it’s funny, but my beliefs aren’t beliefs at all, my knowledge is based after study, science and fact. How could the woman in her magical underwear claim that she found the Raelian faith funny.

She, again, was a Mormon. Let’s talk a little about what they believe in. These people don’t like me at all. This is because every time they come to my house, I let them in and actually try to talk to them about what it is that they believe in. I don’t even criticize them, really. I just try to have a conversation. They always end up getting angry and leaving. I don’t get it. Why, if they truly believe in this stuff whole heartily, are they so offended when I bring this stuff up? Maybe because, when it comes out of my mouth, instead of the mouth of a preacher, it sounds as ridiculous as it really is.


Mormons believe in the concept of celestial marriage. What this means is that if one lives a long and happy marriage, upon death, the spouses are given a planet of their own to rule. God can do this because he is the flesh and blood ruler of a planet not far from here in a nearby galaxy. Heaven is ruling a planet, and you actually must have a secret password to enter it. Maybe they print the password inside of their magical underwear. That’s right, the church markets a type of underwear, which looks like a comical pair of granny panties, which can protect a person from the following: fire, sin, Satan, bullets, and a whole lot of other unwanted particles.

Now, there is something that they believe that actually makes more sense than anything the other faiths believe. This is their belief that Jesus was conceived by actual physical sex with Mary, wife of Joseph of Aramethea. The issue with that is that Mary was a Hebrew. Therefore, she was probably a darker skinned lady. Yet, the Mormons believe that dark skin is a curse from God, and can only be changed by being righteous enough in God’s eyes. At that point, a person can indeed change color. Sound like anyone you might know?

Yet, wait, there’s more. In fact, Jesus wasn’t Hebrew, in fact, all of the biblical stories actually happened here. You see, Jesus spent most of his undocumented years partying with the Native Americans, as they are the lost tribe of Israel. What’s better than that, you ask? Mormons believe that The Garden of Eden was in Missouri. Having been to Kansas City myself, I’m doubting this greatly.

Mormons can even baptize people after they have been dead for a couple hundred years. Among the list of baptized people are names like Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. Please, Mormon folk, please don’t baptize me after I’m dead. I just want to go rule the planet Marthlak in peace, without any magical water in my beautiful hair, okay?

So, she’s laughing about this guy who supposedly left the planet with aliens and started a religion, yet she thinks she’s going to rule a planet after death with her husband, granted to her by the galactic lord Elohim. Strange right? But it’s not all that common for those of one religion to laugh about the beliefs of others, while never once scrutinizing their own.

So, it’s no secret why I get a little freaked when these people come to my home. They’re f’n insane! They are (as if this were an addition of Fun with Fundies) bat-shit crazy. I won’t even go into their history of race discrimination, their rules against beards in the church when ALL of their founders wore beards, and the fact that certain types of caffien weren’t okay until they started investing in certain coffee and tea companies. Then, suddenly, they’re just Grrrrrrrrreat!

So, please, little Mornies, when you see the sign that says, “No Soul Soliciting,” yes, I do mean you. I mean everything that you want to do to, for, or say to me is not alright because I don’t want you around me. You’re nuts and everyone knows it but you.

Stay smiling and don’t forget to smile with me and follow. Thanks for reading. I’m The Smiling Atheist, smiling my way to hell, apparently.

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