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The Side-Hug Hits the Streets!!!


Just in case you’re a little behind on the latest street lingo and just in case you’re finding yourself far behind on this years fads; let me present to you the newest and hippest fad of them all: The Christian Side Hug!

Okay, seriously, I’m assuming you watched the video up above, and I’m assuming you know why it’s stupid. But let me take you a little deeper in depth with just why this is so stupid.

We all know that Christians and most religionists are afraid of their bodies, but this is going just a little beyond the norm. The Christian Side-Hug came about when a group of Christians were talking about how, in a normal hug, there is a chance for some small “clothed crotch graze,” as The Huffington Post put it. To remedy this unintentional and inadvertent sin, the new side-hug presents a hip on hip touch only, allowing only your thighs to lustfully graze another person’s.

To aid in this new fad’s “sweeping of the nation,” this group of roughians has taken the message to the streets and to the ghetto (where religion belongs if you ask me), to pass that “Christian Side-Hug” around. The Huffington post put it exactly like this:

Look out for the ominous sirens blasting on the track. Clearly, these are gangsters on the run from the law – probably from side-hugging up a storm! One emcee (wearing his bandanna 2pac-style no less) admits to taking part in the forbidden front-hug. But don’t worry, God. He’s married.

At the very end of the video, these hardcore gangsta rappers simulate the act of being killed. The first time I watched, I got excited, because I didn’t know they were acting. But as it turned out, they were, and that turned my smile upside-down for a while.

But I just want to say a little something at the end here, as I really don’t need to make fun of this much – it sort of does that all on its own. But why the hell are these people so afraid of their bodies? I really don’t understand it. I know that they’re taught to be that way, but I’ve always loved this quote that states, “If you live in a country that allows to freedom of religion and you still choose to follow a religion, you’re an idiot.”

Religion is a lot like political correctness in the way that in PC, the acceptable words and phrases of yesterday become the taboo words and phrases of tomorrow. Just look at how many different phrases in the last 60 years alone have been used to describe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And in a few years, that name won’t be acceptable either. PC doesn’t exist to appease people, it exists to inconvenience and annoy the rest of us, and possibly to trap us into using phrases that are no longer PC. Really, who the hell can keep up with it?

Well, religion is the same way. The things that are acceptable today, won’t be tomorrow, as they’ll come under attack from some radical religious fundie group out there. And now it’s hugging that’s under attack. What the fuck, people? This atheists is about to stop smiling again and it’s because of you! What are we going to have in treatment centers now? Side-Hugs, not drugs? And what else is going to have to accommodate because of this? And what’s next, handshakes? Because there’s a chance if the shake is too long, it could be considered holding hands? Is the kiss on the cheek next? What about dry-fucking? Do you have a problem with that too? Jesus!

The point is this: the side hug will start is an inside fad, but don’t be surprised if in four years, you’re looked at by the fundies as an immortal sinner for hugging your friends in public. “That’s far too much PDA in public, you sinner!” they’ll say. Even though what they’re really saying is, “I’m afraid of my body and you should be too, because I’m a repressed and violently judgmental person on the brink of lashing out!” Because at least that would be the truth.

So, to my many wonderful readers, yet peculiarly few followers, enjoy that “Christian Side Hug”, because what’s not to enjoy about a hip check? And remember, no matter how resentful these repressed and angry people are, never let them make you ashamed that you’re free and not afraid of the body nature provided for you, no matter how you look or how you express it. And maybe some day, we can relocate all the fundies to the middle east where everyone already is the way they’d like all of us to be. But in retrospect, I think even the side-hug is a little too much for those people.

This is The Smiling Atheist – smilin’ and profilin’ right into hell, and you’re coming with me. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! Thanks for reading and have a smiley and God-Free day.

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