THE SMILING ATHEIST PRESENTS: BRACKET B OF THE WHAT-THE-FUCKERY CUP!
MATCH ONE: A SPECIAL BLUNT ON A TOWER OF BABEL MATCH!
ANYONE CELEBRATING 4:20? GLENN BECK IS!
Well, at least he sounds pretty high on today’s edition of the Glenn Beck show, wherein he claims that God has given him a plan. Beck said, “God is giving a plan, I think, to me to stand peacefully, quietly, with anger.” While I’m still trying to figure out just what Beck and his fellow Fux Noise cronies are angry about, I hope he takes this divine direction literally. Stand quietly, Glenn. Quietly!
How many times does Beck have to admit off camera that he can’t even believe half of the stuff that comes out of his mouth before other people start to catch on? Is $34 million per year really worth the uprising he’s causing? Is it worth being called a lunatic by fellow Fux Noise employees? I mean, if you’re being called a lunatic by the people at Fux Noise, that means you’re even crazier than the rest of them. And if you’re more bat-shit than Hannity, then you need to be hosting a show late at night talking about black helicopters and government conspiracies. You shouldn’t have a show in the daytime talking about…well, black helicopters and government conspiracies.
COME ON, BABY, DRIVE MY POPEMOBILE
The Vatican, in yet another desperate act to distract the mainstream public from the numerous charges of pedophilia as well as the current pope’s role in hiding child molesting priests, decided to finally forgive the Beetles for their message four decades ago, claiming they were bigger than Jesus. In the Vatican newspaper, L’Osservatore Romano, an article appeared that was sanctioned by Pope Benedict XVI, in which the Beatles were heralded for their “beautiful” music and absolved for their rock star decadence and experiments with drugs.
However, one of the two last remaining Beetles is thus far unimpressed. Remembering that the Vatican had once accused them of delivering strange Satanic messages in their music, Ringo Starr responded, “Didn’t the Vatican say we were Satanic or possibly Satanic? And they’ve still forgiven us?” He went on to mention the current pedophilia crisis in saying, “I think the Vatican – they’ve got more to talk about than the Beatles.”
Should John Lennon still be alive today, I’m sure the man who once said, “Imagine there’s no country, it isn’t hard to do, nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too,” would be far from impressed that the pope has either taken up a new appreciation for music, or taken up smoking pot, whichever. Whatever the case, just because the Nazi pope has finally discovered value in Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, the Sgt. Pepper’s band could give a shit if he enjoyed the show.
MATCH TWO: A DUMBERER AND DUMBERERER MATCH!
PSEUDOSCIENCE STILL HAS THE WORD “SCIENCE” IN IT, RIGHT?
In the on-going quest to make concrete the irrational claim of the Church of Ladder Day Saints that states the Native Americans are descendants of the Israelites, Church scientists (an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard on) claimed this week that although “Israelite” DNA appears to be absent from Native Americans, this does not refute the authenticity of the Book of Mormon. In an article in the Mor(m)on™ Times, Michael J. Ash states, “DNA markers can and have disappeared.” Yes, of course they have. Michael goes on to say, “Most of the DNA studies done on Native Americans — the root of Book of Mormon-DNA criticisms — are based on mitochondrial DNA (mtDNA), which is inherited from the mother. MtDNA lineages are divided in branches (haplogroups) on a large tree called phylogeny, with a built-in “molecular clock” that measures mtDNA changes (mutations) over time. While science adapts and modifies according to newer discoveries, the current molecular clock tells us the ancestors of most modern Native Americans migrated to the Western Hemisphere about 15,000 to 17,000 years ago.”
So, wait, Dr. Magical Underwear, you’re telling me that DNA changes and mutates over time? I thought DNA could never change, as your church plainly puts it, as in their stance against not only human evolution from apes, but evolution and natural selection as a whole. If mitochondrial DNA can change or disappear over time, that would mean a species could adapt to new environments and change according to the needs of survival. And over enough time, would share almost nothing from its parent species. Again, I thought the church frowned upon this sort of thing. I mean, his claim that the mitochondrial DNA inherited from the mother could have completely disappeared, or at least has been diluted beyond recognition just over the course of the estimated 15,000 to 17,000 years, just imagine how DNA could adapt over, I don’t know, let’s just say, 4.7 billion years.
Aside from common sense, science can easily refute this claim that the native Americans were descendents of the Israelites in plenty of other ways, if needed, such as archaeological evidence. Archaeologically, we can clearly see and map the migration of the Native American people from Northern Asia, into Alaska and down into the Americas. What, Dr., were the Jews doing in Northern Asia? I come from a Jewish family. You can’t get a member of my family to go outside when it’s 40 degrees without a scarf, hat, mittens, sweater, over coat, under coat, another over coat, a ski mask, water boots and probably a snow suit over the top of all of that, not to mention a box of Benadryl. I hardly see the Jewish people migrating from the Middle East, into Asia (especially around this time period) and into the United States. It makes no sense at all. And your claims about the mitochondrial DNA are completely pseudo-scientific. No DNA completely vanishes over that short of a time, no matter how diluted it becomes. But I guess there’s a reason to focus only on mitochondrial DNA. But even mtDNA can take up to 200,000 years for ALL of the mitochondrial DNA to become extinct in any lineage, and that’s averaging a birth rate of 2-5 per woman, which each child having the same amount of offspring. If mankind still shares the majority of its DNA with higher apes, then I hardly see modern day Native Americans showing absolutely no trace of their ancestor dating back a mere 15,000 years. You are retarded, you’re not a scientist, you’re an idiot, let’s just move on.
GOOD NEWS ONLY LASTS UNTIL THE IDIOTS HEAR ABOUT IT!
As many have heard, U.S. District Judge Barbara Crabb ruled the May 6th National Day of Prayer observance to be unconstitutional, citing the well-established wall of separation between church and state, as well as the first amendment law prohibiting a national establishment of religion. This ruling is the effect of the Freedom From Religion Foundation, a Wisconsin group dedicated to the wall of separation between church and state, filed lawsuits against both the Bush and Obama administrations from proclaiming Americans set aside a day of prayer.
While is this good news and a step in the right direction, the good news only lasts so long. As it turns out, in a flagrant act to try to become Jewish, the US Catholic League, the United Evangelicals as well as the Discovery Institute (which I thought was supposed to be separate from religion, HA HA) have all filed joint lawsuits against the FFRF as well as the state of Wisconsin, and all are petitioning the ACLU, claiming this act is discriminatory and infringes upon their freedom to pray as they wish.
Okay, you all know why this is stupid, my readers aren’t idiots, but I’m going to say it anyway. Your ability to pray is not being infringed by not having a national holiday for it any more than my ability to masturbate is being infringed because there isn’t a National Jack-Off Day. Well, while I think of it, there is, but it falls on second Monday in October. Either way, your rights aren’t being infringed with the absence of the national day of prayer, our rights were being infringed WITH the national day of prayer. May I site a great man named Thomas Jefferson, who along with James Madison erected the wall of separation, who said, “The greatest liberty to be celebrated within the freedom of religion, is the freedom from the tyranny of religious beliefs.” If you need to hear anymore about this subject, go back three blogs to a “letter to the editor” written by a crazy fundie regarding her beliefs on religion in America. And even if you don’t, go back anyway because it’s quite hilarious.
Don’t forget to vote for the winners of both matches so that they can go on to face next week’s competitors in Brackets C & D. Thanks for reading and smiling and profiling into hell with yours truly.