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Faith is Hysterical

A

Astrology. (Paganism)

Astrology is the belief that one can tell not just the personality of any given person but also their future, by merely making a map of the stars on the night they’re born. It is also the belief that one can tell a person’s winning lottery numbers on any given month by the date on which they were born. I, myself, am a Scorpio. That means I’m supposed to be deep, artistic and sexually charged. However, my Scorpionic description said nothing about my desire to constantly mock those around me for having stupid beliefs in things like Astrology.

Atheism. (Modern)

Critical thinking person who lives in the age of science and technology, and not in the age of bronze swords and cattle-sacrifice.

B

Babylon. (Old Testament)

A great yet sort of sinful city. Once the capital of Assyria, Babylon was the chief home of captive Jews captured by Cyrus the Persian. Even before these times, during a period of great wealth and power for Babylon, its people united together to build a great tower. A tower into the sky that stretched to the clouds. The point of this tower, according to some, was to reach Heaven and to speak with God directly. As God knew he could not have his people reaching him, he split them up into separate races and scrambled their languages to confuse them. Obviously, God thought we couldn’t play well with one another anymore.

Another school of thought refers to this tower as a monument for the achievement of man, which, in the bible, is also sinful, because we should praise God for everything we’ve done. This is why people tend to thank God for the food on their plate that they bought with money they worked for. I’ll start thanking him or her when he or she gives me something that I don’t have to obtain myself.

Baptism. (Most Faiths)

A ritual common to most religions where a designated representative of God dumps water believed to have magical powers over the head of another anthropoid. It begins when a series of magical words are spoken, often in other languages, and culminates when the magical water is dumped on the head of a screaming child. Often referred to as water-boarding by the Geneva Convention, Baptism has become a time honored tradition for most religions of the world: Namely those with Middle Eastern heritage.

Blind Faith. (New Testament)

Something necessary for all religions, blind faith is a term used to describe a firm belief in something that is so strong that it becomes a part of everyday reality to you, of which you have no concrete or even circumstantial evidence. Truly, blind faith is the necessary component for all religious practices and beliefs whether organized or unorganized.

Belial. (Roman)

Belial is an ancient god most often represented by an owl. Belial is worshiped now days most often by U.S. politicians in very exclusive but not so secretive ceremonies. Once a year, many US politicians get together for a ceremony known as the cremation of care that involves a taped conversation and incantation followed by burning a human effigy in honor a wooden owl. This is done in California’s Bohemian Grove. Nobody is allowed inside except for staff and women are not allowed at all. To me it sounds like the “leaders” of our country are having some pretty serious orgies

C

Creationism. (Most Faiths)

The belief that some sort of divine father figure one day shook his finger and with a lightening volt, suddenly there was the Universe, the Earth, Plants, Water, Animals and Humans. The most rational theory of all religions.

Cosmic Jewish Zombie. (New Testament)

The belief that a cosmic Jew whose mother was inseminated by a giant invisible man who controls and predetermines everything that has happened and will happen in the universe. The Jewish zombie rose from the dead just a few days after he was buried under a rock (surprisingly with no witnesses). He now controls us all from wherever he is, through telepathy and psychokinesis. You worship him not only by kneeling under your ceiling fan and praying to it, but also by attending a large creepy building once a week (on his father’s day of rest) to imbibe his blood and eat his flesh.

D

Delilah. (Old Testament)

Once upon a time there was a glam rocker by the name of Samson who had flowing blond locks; waved, teased and feathered. His power came from his hair, as it was so beautiful that it had the power to seduce any one chick at any given Poison concert. One day, Delilah came to Samson as he was jamming out to Motley Crue, and sliced his hair straight off. Now a hairless freak, he was imprisoned in the very trailer park where he had been a judge for 20 years. Stories say after imprisonment he went blind from masturbation and eventually killed himself because of his lacking ability to imagine glam rock chicks while masturbating. Goes to show you, don’t ever let a Philistine cut your hair.

Deuteronomy (Old Testament)

The most perverse and disgusting book of moral codes ever to deface the human race.  The end.

Divine Intervention. (New Testament)

Possibly the most egotistical and self-centered of all religious beliefs, this is the belief that God occasionally pokes his head from the sky to help an individual person or group of people. Dangerous protesters of religion might ask why, if God has the ability to do this, would God care more about Dan Danielson finding the best deal on new shoes than he does for starving children in third world countries? The answer is simple. God doesn’t care about starving Somalian children because they primarily don’t believe in him. It’s very important, however, that God help Dan find his new shoes at fantastic discount prices because Dan is a believer. And I don’t care what anyone says, there is nothing egotistical about only helping those who praise you and letting all others die.

E

Enochian Keys. (Satanism)

The Enochian keys is a set of 19 incantations or spells that will eventually lead to the raising of Satan as well as the destruction of humanity and all religions. Although the beginning of the book clearly states that there is no Heaven or Hell and there is no God or Devil; for whatever reason, the second half of the book is instructions on how to invoke the black god of the under world. I’m sure the answer lies somewhere between “I don’t know” and “Who gives a fuck”. Of course, how much faith can you put into a bible that starts with the dedication, “For Diane?”

Evolution. (Satanic Science)

A blasphemous and harassing theory believed by many Satan worshiping “scientists” that proposes that man has not always been what he looks like today. The theory of Natural Selection was the basis of human evolution and was first proposed by Dr. Charles Darwin (If Doctor was his real name) in the late 19th century. Natural Selection is a demonic theory that proposes that through microscopic changes in appearance from generation to generation as well as climate changes that may allow one to thrive over another, within a few thousand years, branches of any particular species may become a different species altogether.

This theory when applied to humans claims to trace all of our ancestry to a basic single celled organism that may have come about through random amino acids combining in puddles of muck in one of Earth’s more violent and unstable eras. So just because most species on this planet share over 90% of their Deoxyribonucleic Acid with one another, (whatever that is) that may be proof that we all have similar heritage.

Human evolution proposes that certain tribes may have left Africa and headed north thus migration causing certain changes to their makeup for survival as those who had not experienced these changes would have surely died due to the inability to survive. Therefore, generation after generation carried traits similar to the survivors and not those who died as humans cannot breed after death. This eventually made us what we are today. As we all know, this whole theory is hogwash. We all know that we look different and speak differently because a long time ago we built a ladder to heaven so God had to split us up and not let us play with each other anymore. He gave us different languages just to make sure. The end.

Exodus (Old Testament)

The second vilest book of moral codes to ever show its face upon human existence.  Included are such gems as Exodus 21:7-11 which reads, “When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she will not be freed at the end of six years as the men are.  If she does not please the man who bought her, he may allow her to be bought back again.  But he is not allowed to sell her to foreigners, as he is the one who broke the contract with her.  And if the slave girl’s owner arranged for her to marry his son, he may no longer treat her as a slave girl, but must treat her as his daughter.  If he himself marries her and then takes another wife, he may not reduce her food, her clothing, or fail to sleep with her as his wife.  If he fails in any of these three ways, she may leave as a free woman without making any payment.”  Gee, and who said chivalry was dead?

F

Fasting. (Most Middle Eastern Faiths)

Fasting is the act of not eating for a predetermined period of time. This is done because religion gives us the idea that a limited amount of Anorexia Nervosa could bring us closer to God or whoever your chosen invisible man is. This is especially great on the economy when production slows in many plants in the Midwest due to the high amount of dizzy and sickened workers around Ramadan. Fasting is a great attribute to religion’s ever so growing detriment on the American Economy.

G

The Garden of Eden. (New Testament)

This is the story from the Old Testament that explains the origin of human life on Earth. A long time ago, apparently about 5,000 years according to Christian Scientists; there were only two humans on the planet. They had no shame as well as no clothes and were surrounded by magical creatures including unicorns and I guess prince toads or something. They lived in harmony in the Garden of Eden without any kind of sin or pain. One day, God came to his two little teacher’s pets and said, “You may do what you wish in this garden, but whatever you do, don’t eat from this tree!” Now, for whatever reason, god didn’t want them to eat from the tree of knowledge.

One day, while picking ferry dust and fresh lemons, Eve decided she had the munchies. It was then that a strange talking snake told her that she should quench her appetite from the tree of knowledge. She looked upon the tree that God had warned her not to eat from and decided to do it anyway. She ate and ate from the tree and suddenly had knowledge of shame and sin. Immediately, God came from the sky with a forceful finger and said, “Bitch, what the hell did I tell you about eating from that tree?” Eve was startled and soon God turned the garden into a wasteland.

Adam awoke from his slumber to notice this beautiful place being turned into a dead zone and said, “What the hell is going on? It was just a dream about a little girl!” And since Eve ate from a stupid fruit tree, we all carry original sin and it hurts to give birth. If that woman wouldn’t have eaten from the tree it wouldn’t hurt to push something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a very small pear. It makes perfect sense to me. As it should to you as well.

H

Hell. (New Testament)

A fiery land sometimes referred to as the Lake of Fire or the River Styx. This is the land where all bad people go when they sin in life. After you die, if you haven’t accepted Jesus into your life, no matter how good of a person you are, you will go to this horrible place and suffer for all eternity. You will burn and melt and even be forced to listen to Brittany Spears for the rest of eternity. So you better be sure to be a good boy or else Santa will bring you coal instead of a present. OOPS! I mean, you’ll go to hell.

Holy Crusade. (Common to many religions)

A holy crusade is an act of war and domination and even manifest destiny that is practiced by many religions from the Middle East including Judaism and Christianity. Although most Middle Eastern books of faith hold rules against killing another human being, they also hold many quotes in them that say that this rule does not apply when you are killing in the name of your god. In the Koran, it clearly states that you must convert by any means necessary even by means of murder. In Deuteronomy (17:12 NLT) Christianity there is a passage that says, “Anyone arrogant enough to reject the verdict of the judge or of the priest who represents the LORD your God must be put to death.  Such evil must be purged from Israel.” Apparently the whole “thou shalt not kill” thing is negotiable and only applies to other Christians. It is because of beliefs like these that religion has been responsible for more war and death throughout the great history of mankind than has any other reason.

I

Immaculate Conception. (New Testament)

The belief that a virgin who had never made yippies with her husband, (bet he was happy) birthed a child although never losing her virginity. The father of this child was a big invisible man who one night came from the  sky to choose her to have his perfect and all knowing son. The sole purpose of birthing this bastard child was so that he could grow up and die for everybody. Although one might ask, if god wanted to forgive everyone for original sin, why didn’t he just do it instead of birthing a child to die just so he can do what he wanted to do anyway? This thought pattern would involve rational thought and should not bear its ugly face anywhere near religion.

J

Jesus. (New Testament)

See Cosmic Jewish Zombie

Joan of Arc. (Contemporary)

A historical figure of very recent proportions. She was canonized by the English in the year of our lord 1920. Joan’s claim to fame was her near success in ridding the country of France of the British during what is now known as the Hundred Year War. She led the French army in battle because of one incident of her life. One night in her sleep, again as I’m sure without the assistance of psychedelic drugs; she was visited by three ghosts: St. Michael (The Ghost of French Past), St. Catherine (The Ghost of French Present), and St. Margaret (The Ghost of French Future). These ghosts not only showed her what life would be like if she were never born, but they told her of the evil of the British people who were occupying their land. They told her it was her Holy Mission to rid the land of France of the British and allow Charles VII to be crowned.

She went to Charles with the news that dead people told her to militarize on the British. He believed her and charged her with an army to rid France of the Brits. She succeeded in a few battles but later failed to rid Paris of the British. She was taken hostage and sold to the British who tried and burned her. It is said that late at night one can still hear the screams of Joan of Arc, which is said to sound slightly like sheep being herded.

The Gospel of Job. (Old Testament)

The gospel of Job was a book in the Old Testament. It all starts when God starts to notice the faith of a man who followed the word of god tooth and nail. For all of his faith in God he was greatly rewarded in his life and blessed with many gifts, including great wealth. One day, Satan is walking along playing with his yo-yo and notices God on a mountain top watching Job. Satan strikes up a conversation with his arch rival and nemesis and cleverly leads the conversation onto Job. Satan tells God that Job only praises him so much because God has given him so many gifts in life. Satan elaborates that Job would not praise him if he hadn’t all of the blessings he had. God responds by saying, “Oh yeah?!? Well… Well I’ll show you, I will!!!”

So God decides to take Job’s wealth, smote him with festering boils, forced through telekinesis an army of warlords to destroy his crops and cattle, and then proceeds to drop a house rather comically on his beautiful daughters. After all of this, Job asks God why he would do that sort of thing to him when Job has been so faithful. God’s only response was to turn to Satan who apparently stayed standing there with God all of that time and exclaimed, “Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, HA! I told you he would still praise me!”

Jonah. (Old Testament)

The story of Jonah is from the Old Testament. It is a story about yet another man who talked to God, surely again with absolutely no happy juice or super herb in his system. One day Jonah was given a charge by God to teach Judaism to the Gentiles in Nineveh. Jonah told God that he’d do it, but as soon as God turned around, Jonah was on a boat getting the hell out of there. The problem was that Jonah was thrown over board and found himself face to face with a whale that eventually swallowed him. After this horrible situation, Jonah managed to live in the stomach of the whale for three days. How that happened, I’m not sure. I just know the stories and I’m relaying the information. After three days, Jonah made it safely to shore repenting his decision to deny God’s charge to teach Judaism to the Gentiles which he got to work on immediately after saying, “Holy freaking God, alright I’ll do it!”

Joseph Smith. (Church of Ladder Day Saints)

A great and magical prophet who one night when lying in bed was visited by a strange naked Indian friend who told him of Christ’s visions in the new world. He told Joseph of magical stones that would allow him to recite the teachings of Christ who had appeared to prophets in the ancient Americas. Joseph Smith dug and dug and eventually found these magical stones in the ground. He brought them back to ask a friend of his to transcribe what he says as he reads the stones out of a hat.

When his friend went home, he told his wife of what Joseph had taught him. His skeptical dirty Harleton of a wife told him to purposely lose the transcription and have Joseph read them again. If he were telling the truth, it would be the same story. When he arrived to Joseph the next day, he told him of the lost transcriptions. Smith immediately responded by telling him just how cryptic the writing was, so when he read them again it wouldn’t be exactly the same story but the same basic storyline. This of course proves that Joseph Smith was telling the truth and was actually reading the word of Jesus Christ. His teachings are still practiced today in the mythical land known as Utah.

K

Kabbalah. (Judaism)

Ancient religion practiced by many of the world’s elite. It is said to be an ancient religion that will make you feel like a virgin again. It also carries with it a bracelet that could indefinitely make you a material girl.

L

Lucifer. (New Testament)

Truly a man of many names, because it all depends upon which religion he was stolen from in whichever particular denomination in which you believe. Lucifer was the angel of light. God’s most perfect angel. Lucifer did a lot of great things for god including ratting out the people of Earth whenever they did wrong as well as narcing on angels. How angels did anything that God didn’t know about is beyond me, considering God is all knowing and angels did not have free will, their will was only the will of God. They were made to be servants. See, even God believed in slavery! One day, Satan managed to become jealous of God and challenge his throne. How he did this without free will is miraculous, but only to be outdone by the legion of angels who got behind him, also without free will.

Lucifer and his army of angels were defeated and expelled from heaven only to be cast to earth to wander for eternity. But somehow, Lucifer is in hell at the same time. Either way, Lucifer is now known more prominently as Satan and wanders the Earth for eternity along with all of the angels who made the independent decision (again, somehow without free will) to turn on god and challenge his throne.

M

Maitraya. (Buddhism)

Long ago, Buddhism was solely located in Tibet. It was taught by a man who not only believed in self sacrifice, but believed in self deprivation to such an extent that he starved himself under a tree. Therefore, who better to carry the teaching of Buddha to the people of China, where the belief structure would be eventually dominantly practiced, than Maitraya? As he started the first school of Buddhism in China, children gathered around to hear something other than the teachings of an old Chinese guy with ten foot fingernails. The children sat around listening to points of self sacrifice and deprivation coming from a man who’s belly was sticking out so far he couldn’t even see what little bit of a penis he had left. Draped in a crimson robe tagged with gold that was as big as a house tarp but still not big enough to cover his rounder than round belly; he sucked from a hookah made of pure gold. As he did so, he taught the children of China not to over indulge and to give their worldly possessions to the poor.

Miracle Bath. (Catholicism)

A place where many sick and dying people go because of the belief that the pond holds with it the healing power of Christ. So in other words, people from all over the world with all sorts of indigenous illnesses dive into one pond together. Do I really have to say anything more than that as to why this is a bad idea. Yet again, religion’s detriment on human health.

Moloch. (Greek)

See Belial

N

Noah’s Arc. (Old Testament)

A story out of the Christian faith that tells a story of a very drunken man who spoke to God on night in a drunken stupor. He found himself charged with a holy crusade. God warned him that a great flood was coming that would flood all of the lands in the world and he must ensure the survival of all living creatures. Why, if god wanted everything to survive, he created the flood in the first place is beyond me, but he did.

Noah’s charge was to gather two of every animal on the planet, one of every sex, and load them aboard a large boat to ensure they’re survival. After Noah went through his period of disbelief, he decided to go ahead with the charge he was given. After only a day, he managed to gather two of every one of the 900,000,000 species of insect, two of every 600,000 species of mammal, as well as two of every 8,000,000 species of reptile. He loaded them all onto a large ship that only took him about a week to build and as the flood came, the arc raised them all to safety high above the waters. Although, Noah later noticed that he forgot to bring a chick with him. OOPS!

 O

Original Sin. (New Testament)

Original sin is the natural evil that lives inside of all of us because at one time a talking snake told a strange naked woman to eat from a fruit tree. We all carry this natural demonic side to our personalities and must perpetually ask forgiveness for it. This natural sin was the point of God impregnating a virgin to have his bastard son only to die. Natural sin is within all of us and is suspected to be somewhere near the pancreas.

P

Platform of Non-Involvement. (Catholicism)

The side chosen by the Catholic Church during World War 2. in the 1940’s, Pope Pious was supposed to refute and condemn the actions taken by the Nazi Party in Germany despite the cooperation of then Italian leader, Benito Mussolini. On the morning of the scheduled speech, Pope Pious got cold feet and instead of condemning the actions of the Nazis, he openly said to the people of Italy, “You know what? I just don’t even want to touch this with a ten foot pole!” He then slithered his cowardly ass back into the Vatican and did laundry.

Plenary Indulgence. (Catholicism)

The belief that anything that has a mandate from the people, God will hold true in Heaven. This means that if a people’s sanction is passed that considers child molestation a miracle, God will hold true that all child molesters are saints. Do I need to elaborate?

Purgatory. (Roman Catholicism)

Purgatory is a place where souls who have not gotten the chance to turn “clean” on the planet Earth go to suffer until God feels that they are clean enough for heaven. The most common prisoners of this purification version of hell are un-baptized babies. That’s right; the Roman Catholics believe that an innocent child who hasn’t the power to make its own decisions must go somewhere to suffer after death for the decisions of its parents. Well, I guess that this is a little bit more humane of a belief than those who feel that un-baptized children just go straight to hell. But hey, if there’s something we’ve always been able to count on the Catholics for, it’s compassion.

Q

Quakers. (Cult)

A group of people much like the Amish who don’t believe in the existence of electricity or cars. They are a group of people who left England leading the way to the new world because they didn’t want to pay taxes and they wanted to marry their cousins.

After a lovely dinner with the Indian folk of America, they decided to start a new holiday known now as April Fools Day. This was a holiday started by playing practical jokes on Indians and also those within them who were thought to be witches. They played lovely little pranks on those folk such as covering them in disease covered blankets as well as leading them to trees which had traps tied to them that would spring the sinister Indian folk into the air and bash their heads on branches. They worship in meetings that start in a period of silence. They only begin when one of them is moved by the inner light which they believe to be their guide to address the congregation or to pray. They are also responsible for some very tasty rice cakes.

Qumran. (Modern)

A site near the caves where only recently, the Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered. The scrolls in which Jesus openly preaches against the concept of churches and organized worship. For whatever reason, this has been hard for people to accept. Since people still pump money into churches in ritualistically partake of cult like behavior and worship. I guess you just can’t get through to Ass-Hats like Christians.

R

Rednecks. (New Testament)

A group of extreme Christian followers who have been blessed with numerous visions of faith including, but not limited to, seeing the Virgin Mary in a bag of potato chips and often being anal probed by aliens believed to be descendants of Christ in some faiths. They attend television churches on a channel that is known in their faith as Fox News, and practice the mystical faith-heeling process known as gun collecting.

Revelations. (New Testament)

A book in the New Testament that was based on the prophecies of John the Baptist. One night (surely without the influence of mood altering chemicals) John “The Baptist” had a vision of the end of the world. It all starts with angels flying in the sky playing horns. Onto the breaking of seven seals that are broken by the devil as he aimlessly wanders the earth. He’s also busy showing himself as a lion that rises from the sea and a dragon with seven heads and ten horns who talks to a woman who’s been lost alone in the desert for 40 years but is somehow pregnant.

The pageantry is capped with giant locusts flying in the sky along with four horsemen who seem to resemble the ring wraiths in Fellowship of the Ring. This leads to the climax of a child who is born without a soul because the soul bank has run dry. As interesting as all of these sounds, it has been prophesied to happen over 70 different times to date by numerous denominations of the Christian Faith.

S

Satyr (Greek, Roman, Old Testament)

A Satyr is a beast of Roman mythology resembling goat men.  They were known to be companions of Pan, the Roman god of mischief.  They appear in the Old Testament not far from references to Unicorns, in Isaiah 13:21.

Shekel (Old Testament)

A shekel is a piece of monetary currency that was commonly used when the Old Testament was written.  Common references include the book of Deuteronomy (22:28-29) where God commands that if a man sexually molest a young girl who is not yet engaged, the rapist must pay the father of the girl fifty shekels, and must then marry the young girl, never being allowed to divorce.

Suicide Bombing. (Christianity, Judaism, Islam)

Based on the belief of Holy Crusade, many Middle Eastern faiths believe that killing those who believe differently than you is an act of faith. In dying for your faith, you are immediately sent to heaven to receive not just 40 virgins to do with whatever you wish, but also a certificate of godhead. This is similar to many Christian faith’s beliefs in the sense that killing those who are different from you is a sign of true faith and by doing so you are acting in the name of your god. Hence, the Crusades, Cashmere, Salem, The Middle East, the World Trade Center, The Inquisitions, Rome, Woman’s Clinic Bombing, etc… Need I say more about why religion is dangerous?

T

Tattoine. (Unknown Origin)

A mythical place that some believe to be somewhere near the magical place of Hoth. A place where two sons rise in the sky over the top of the great desserts where people in flying machines hover above the ground hunting the giant creature, the Whomprat. A place where cloaked men known as Sand People wander on large dinosaur like beasts searching for victims and slaves. Where there are some who know of a mythical power known as the Force which only few have the power to harness. These are known as Jedi.

A place where kings and queens alike gather in glowing white cantinas listening to the same beautiful song played repeatedly by magical musicians who never stop playing. Although beautiful, the mythical land is ruled by a villainous blob of jelly known as Jabba the Hutt. Who has taken the greatest leaders and gods in the galaxy as slaves and frozen them in the magical carbonite. Even those lucky enough to avoid freezing are forced to face giant monsters for their freedom which is inevitably denied anyway. Tattoine is truly a place of magic and myth.

The Ten Commandments. (Old Testament)

A term that refers to ten laws of faith that were spoken by god onto an aging Jew who had just walked for 40 years in the desert leading a group of Jews from Egypt to Israel. On the long hike that was incited by a conversation he had had with a burning bush, he had done many great things including parting an entire sea so that his group of Jews didn’t have to swim and get themselves wet thus irritating their skin or causing further inner ear infections. When the group had stopped after about 40 years or so, probably to start a Deli or Bagel Shop, Moses had become irritated at the way his fellow Jews were acting. He then told them all to wait behind as he climbed a great mountain to have coffee and a bagel with God.

Atop the mountain where nobody was around to witness, Moses had his lunch with the almighty who told him of ten simple rules to follow to stay on his good side. After the conversation, Moses headed back down the mountain to inform the people of his conversation. On his way, he came across a mountain man living half way  up the hill who for whatever reason happened to have a humongous golden box with throne like carrier stems upon it. The mountain man told Moses to carry the commandments down in the box. Moses said, “Really? You just want to give me that much gold?” The man was very generous. And Moses left to go back down the hill somehow carrying about a ton and a half of gold and two stone plates with god’s words inscribed upon them.

When Moses returned, he noticed his people had become even more messed up and were now worshiping a golden cow. Moses said onto them, “No, No, No. You’ve got it wrong. It’s pigs that are like superheroes to us, not cows.” He read the commandments to his people and for whatever reason, none of them questioned any of the circumstances I have previously mentioned. If you’re interested in understanding these commandments better or even realizing what they are in the first place, I suggest reading the late great George Carlin’s last book entitled “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” The end.

U

The Unification Church. (Cult)

The Unification Church was founded in South Korea in 1954 by a millionaire businessman named Sun Myung Moon. In the early 1960s it was introduced in the US as an early right wing youth crusade and is now active in other countries. The ideology of the cult is summarized in his book “Divine Principal” which was shown to him by Christ in 1936. Moon is known as the second Messiah and the head of a family of perfect children. He will succeed in redeeming mankind from Satan. Absolute obedience is a prerequisite for members who do nothing but earn money for the organization by doing things such as selling flowers in the streets. Moon has built a property and business empire in this country since 1972 but was sent to prison for tax evasion 1984.

V

Vampires. (New Age)

The myth of Vampires isn’t as new age as many actually think. The concept of Vampires existed in most religions including Christianity. I would say that it mainly existed in primitive religions; however I hate to be redundant. You can find the vampire concept in the story of Cain and Abel, as Cain is destined to an eternal life of feeding from the living after killing his brother, Abel. Vampires became extraordinarily popular after Bram Stoker’s tale of Dracula, which was based after a real life Romanian prince named Vladislov Dracul, or Vlad Tepes.

The concept as a whole is simple, an immortal being who must feed from the blood of the living in order to survive. In recent centuries, these undead creatures have shown themselves to be as real as sliced bread. With the surfacing of the current legal system as well as the current tax system, real life vampires found a reason to come out of hiding. Although the name vampire isn’t to their liking as they prefer the titles Lawyer, Agent and Accountant, vampires have come to be all too real in the last century.

The Vatican. (Catholicism)

Virtually an entire country all itself. Its real state holdings alone could pull the country out of our national debt if we would just tax them. The Vatican is a group of religious fellas, including a former Nazi, who aid in not just transporting sexual predators across the globe, but also in teaching young children not to use protection.

Aside from the ruthless killing of millions of English, Roman, Middle Eastern, Jewish and Chinese people, as well as the over taxation of many poor and contraceptive deprived people, as well as the protection of sexual  predators, as well as a platform of non-involvement during the Nazi Holocaust, as well as the relocation of many South African refugees who later turned out to head successful terrorist cells, as well as the forced halting of stem-cell research, as well as the over-funding of abstinence only education that has been proven time and time again to be unsuccessful, as well as the rise in crime due to anti abortion laws wherever they hold sway, as well as repeatedly lobbying against civil rights for many minority groups, as well as… Well, I could go on forever. Let’s just say that the Vatican is without sin. Okay?

W

The Watchtower. (Jehovah’s Witness)

A monthly newsletter put out by a religious folk known as Jehovah’s Witnesses. This movement was started in the late 19th century by a man named Charles Taze Russell in Pennsylvania. Although based on scriptural teachings, the group rejects Christ’s divinity regarding him as the son of God or even a prophet in general. They expect the end of the world in the near future although their originally predicted year for the apocalypse of 1975 was more than off. They originally believed that only the 144,000 original Jehovah’s Witnesses would be chosen for the kingdom of heaven, although that number changes with every new member they initiate. They don’t vote, fight in war, celebrate holidays and often don’t leave their houses, except to knock on your door and pester you when you’re having great sex to tell you about a fucking watchtower.

X

Xenu. (Scientology)

The galactic lord who exiled Thetans to Earth about 75 million years ago only to destroy their ships with hydrogen bombs around a volcano that acted as a sort of atomic nuclear reactor. The Thetans, because of their exile, now live in the brains of every living creature preventing all of us from mastering arts such as telepathy, telekinesis, psychokinesis, and hopscotch. Lord Xenu was also not a big fan of psychologists or psychiatrists, but was a great fan of lawyers as he encourages those who have expunged the Engrams from their reactive minds to sue anyone who may mock them in anyway. Xenu is also a fan of John Travolta and Tom Cruise.

Y

Yom Kippur. (Judaism)

Yom Kippur is a yearly holiday of penitence for the Jewish community. It comes just days after Rosh Hashanah which is the Jewish New Year Festival. On Rosh Hashanah, Jews from all over the world join together in penitence and blow a Ram’s horn in temples. While this may sound gross to you and me, just imagine how well that Ram feels once a year. Yom Kippur soon follows after the New Year festival. It is a day where Jews all over the world join together once again in penitence. I guess you could say that this is the day of Jewish Guilt. Jews all over refute stereotypes against them by fasting for 24 hours, hence refuting their love of bagels. They also throw sandwiches into a river, thus refuting their love of Deli Meats. I guess the only thing they really missed here was a 24 hour vow of silence to refute their love of complaining.

Z

Zephathah. (Old Testament)

The valley near Mareshah in which King Asa marshaled his forces for the battle against Zerah. There’s really nothing funny about this, except for the fact that when I read that back to myself, it just sounds like something out a bad Sci-Fi or Fantasy novel, doesn’t it? I’m done.

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